On Monday, Attorney General John Ashcroft issued a terrorism warning asking all Americans to be on high alert this week. Then on Friday, he announced that the period of high alert would be extended indefinitely. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "Bitch, I can't be anymore alert." Okay? I'm opening my mail with salad tongs, I take my passport in the shower with me! Alright, I'm watching so much CNN I'm having sex dreams about Wolf Blitzer. How about this, okay? How about you be on full alert, I'm gonna freeze my head like Walt Disney and then you can wake me up when everything's cool, okay? Back to you, Jimmy.

 

Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris has been all over the news this week. First she set a deadline for the recount, then she was overruled, now she's been stripped of her ability to certify the Florida votes. Katherine Harris hasn't gotten this much attention since spring break '77. Look at her, she looks divorced. She looks like the woman being cheated on in a Mexican soap opera. Katherine, honey, there's another setting on your make-up mirror. It's called 'daytime.' Check it out."

 

Prostitutes in Lyons, France sent a fax to the government to complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women who are protected by the Albanian mafia. Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes that all their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did they send a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse, or did they all trundle down to Kinko's - "You fax these, I'll let you shave me." Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, but every time I try to use it, I hit Powersave, or I forget to dial 9.. This just proves
what my boyfriend always says - that I am dumber than a French whore. Back to you, Jimmy!

 

Tina Fey: As a mother of two, which I am not, I worry about the lack of positive role models for
today's young girls. For example, Britney Spears caused controversy last month when she wore this skimpy outfit at MTV's Video Music Awards. Critics called the outfit inappropriate and say it's just another example of Hollywood sexualizing young girls. But I say, ladies, give it up. Britney looks good. Look at that ass. That is a cherry bomb. You gotta look at that thing through a hole in a paper plate. Britney, in about five years that whole area is gonna blow, so enjoy it now. Have it photographed as much as possible. Rub it with fine oils and liniments. You will miss it when it's gone. And, as for whether or not those are breast implants are not.. Britney was on our show last year, I worked with her.. and, to me, her breasts felt completely real.
Jimmy Fallon: What did you say? you said they "felt real"?
Tina Fey: No I didn't.