(picks up picture) Tonight Playboy founder Hugh Hefner will celebrate his 75th birthday. At Hefner's side will be his seven girlfriends.. Stephanie, Tiffany, Regina, Cathy, Kimberly, Buffy and of course (points to one of the girls)Tina. Because wherever two or more whores are gathered, there's always a Tina. Now...Thanks mom. Now, when I first saw these women I thought the same thing we all did. What has happened to Affirmative Action in this country? Hefner's dating seven blonde, white woman. Not a blonde pubic hair among them. (off the cuff) Not a pubic hair among them. C'mon though seven blondes? There's not a hot Asian woman you can throw in there? A light skinned black woman? A deaf brunette? Something? Where's the diversity? When are we going to have a Hefner Herram that looks like America? Am I really to believe that these women, each of them, offer you something unique?
Let's go over them if you will. (points to first blonde) This one is 19, ok. Two months ago she was working at Dairy Queen, now she's out clubbing it with Bill Maher and Don Adams. Is she better off? IT's HARD TO SAY !

 

This one (points to the second girl in black shirt), this one isn't even trying. I'm actually very disappointed in this one. What is that a man's shirt? (looks at camera) You are the weakest link-GOODBYE! This one, this one doesn't even have a name anymore..she's just girl. She's basically just there because she knows CPR. This one, ok this one is always next to him, always holding his hand. (deadpans a Chinese accent) She a numba one girlfriend! At 28 Tina is the oldest and has a two-year-old son. Oh that must be a wonderful way to grow up, playing 'fetch the ash tray' with James Caan in the Grotto. While your mom's upstairs praying for the Viagara to wear off so she can get you to the orthodontist on time. Fantastic. These two..these two are like this (crosses fingers)sometimes they're like this.

 

And this one, clearly this one is willing to do something the others will not do. Whatever the filthiest thing you can think of..it's a little worse than that and she'll let you photograph her doing it. Gotta be the reason she's there.
But y'know what you can't condemn these woman because at least they work together they support each other and how many woman can say that right? And these women aren't doing it for the money. They're doing it because they were molested by a family friend. I solute you Hefner ladies. You are making it work! Back to you Jimmy!